He Got What He Deserved!

respecting your spouse

My husband’s Nana and Papa were coming into town this morning along with my father-in-law. I wanted the house to look nice so I got up early to feed Sawyer, laid him back down and fought the urge to lay back down myself. It was a quiet house and really a great time to get some cleaning done. I turned on the praise music, shared a word of encouragement on facebook and went to work. It is amazing what you can do with no kids hanging on your legs or bringing out everything you just put up! One by one, each child woke up and breakfast was consumed.

I had asked my husband to please wake up in enough time to give me a moment to get a shower and watch the kids while I mopped the last room. He rolled out of bed, took a shower and even made the bed for me! I thanked him and was impressed with how well he did. At this moment though the time was getting closer to our guests arriving and the kids were acting more and more like children. Before long, the house would be a wreck again and the goldfish that Sawyer and Ember smashed on the floor was not helping things! Plus, to make matters worse, Sawyer was overly needy and whiney.  Derrick and I both agreed that he probably needed some motrin. My emotional temperature was rising but I kept my cool, reminding myself that I needed to chill out and let it go. (Go ahead and sing it.. you know you’re thinking about it!)

While tiding up in our room and mopping our floors I heard some commotion and went to see what was going on.  As any mom would do, I fixed the issue but inside I was getting a little more steamed.  I asked one little thing of my husband. Please watch the kids.  At this point, he is on the couch, looking at his phone and the kids are scattered between the kitchen and the play room. I breath in and with a bit of a tone, but still trying to be kind, I say “I am finishing up the room and about to take a shower.  Make sure you are watching them. Sawyer get’s into everything!”  He nodded somewhat annoyed.

Really?, I thought!  What if I “watched” the kids all day like he is doing right now? I’ll tell you what would happen, we wouldn’t have any kids left!

As I finished mopping, my head was talking and beginning to yell out in frustration.  These are his kid’s too. It’s not like I am sitting in here sleeping, I’m working! What I wouldn’t give to sleep in like he does!

Then it happened, the beginning of “the incident”. I walk in for one last thing before my shower and find Sawyer in a cabinet full of cleaning supplies. Yup, Derrick had no clue! He still was sitting there, Caught up in the morning buzz on ESPN or Facebook. I bring the baby into Derrick and make sure he knows how frustrated I am.

“You have to watch him or THIS is what happens. He was in the cleaning supplies.  I have to take a shower and I REALLY need your help here.”  Now I have upset him. “I’ve got it taken care of! Go get your shower!” he said. I’d like to, I thought to myself, but I keep having to save the day in here!

Then he said it,

“Can you get sawyer some Motrin?”

And that my friends is when I lost control and the freak out woman I have been reading about in my Unglued study came out! She RAN out!

“CAN YOU GET IT FOR HIM! I am busy!! I can’t believe you just asked me to do that.”

To which he replied very sternly, “Yes, I’ll get it! Just go get your shower!”

“NO!! I need you to acknowledge that that was totally uncalled for! You need to admit that you were wrong there. I am doing all I can here to get this stuff done. All I asked is for you to watch the kids. That is all I asked. It isn’t too much! I am the one who has been up all morning and has taken care of the kids, too. I need you to apologize for that. I can’t believe you did that”

Now I am walking to the bedroom, voice is trailing off but heart still racing and hands still flying.

” I just can’t believe it. That really hurts my feelings, Derrick!!”

As I stomp my way to the bathroom I begin the commentary in my head as I mutter it aloud, I guess a simple task is just too much for him. He can’t just WATCH the kids. He is too busy playing with that stupid game on his phone. I am not asking much here. Just HELP me out a little. Oh, sure, I’LL get the medicine, I’m just sitting on my butt doing nothing. You poor thing, you had to sleep in this morning while I fed the kids and mopped the floors. I am so sorry your life is SOOOOO hard!!

I start to set my phone down but check my facebook notifications before I step in the shower….there was a notification of a post from my husband. I took a look and saw that he shared a blog from Matt Walsh. It was entitled “Your Husband Doesn’t Have to Earn Your Respect” and the picture was of a woman pointing at her husband the same way I had just pointed at Derrick. Now I’m furious!! Seriously, I have never seen him post any articles about loving your wife. Of course he shares this, because being a husband is so hard.  You are treated so poorly! I had a right to how I treated you. YOU DESERVED IT!

“WOAH!! Wait a minute”, I felt God saying to me. He deserves it? Is that how this marriage works? Just treat each other how they deserve to be treated? I read a little of the article but had to put it down.  I hated how I felt but I was still raging inside with frustration and now guilt!  As I took my shower, I talked it over with God. I explained that I knew I needed to apologize but that I hated doing that and I wasn’t going to right away. Derrick needed to understand where I was coming from. I am not ready. I knew I was totally wrong though. I CAN control how I treat him and that was a freak out moment….exactly what I’ve been leading other ladies through in our Bible Study and here I am Mrs. Hypocrite herself!

After some more prayer and cooling down, I walked in the living room. You know how it goes after an argument like that. You are testing the waters. Almost like stepping out on ice. Is it safe? How is he acting? Should I tiptoe around him? Derrick walks by me, turns around and says “I just asked you if you had given him Motrin.”  Oh, well that makes sense, I thought. ” I heard you say “get him motrin! That is why I was so upset.” I went on to apologize for blowing up on him and explained that I was just so frustrated. By this afternoon we even chuckled about the whole situation.

So, why am I spending my night, rehashing this event and asking you to read this? Because I think far too many times, this happens in our marriages. I know it does in mine. He deserved that or he brought me to that point is said far too many times in our heads or even out loud. If I were to sit with some ladies over coffee and tell them about my morning, I can tell you that more than half of that group would join in encouraging me in my outbreak.

He should have got his fat butt off the couch and helped you out!

I can’t believe he told you that, he had it coming!

You put up with far to much, I would have told him where he could shove it!

You know what? In the worldly sense, they may have been somewhat right. But, I am not following the world and that is not what God’s love looks like in my marriage. That is not what respecting my husband is. In the end, the blog that Derrick posted (and he posted that before we got into it, I might add!) was right. My husband doesn’t have to EARN my respect. God has called me to respect him. That is it. I answer to Him whether I did it or not. End of story. No ifs ands or buts!  Respect Him.

My tone, my words, my body language, none of it was respectful and for sure what I said under my breath in my room, was far from respectful.  It doesn’t matter if he heard it or not.  In fact, it may even be worse because I am not even giving him the respect to say it to his face but instead, behind his back. When I was able to go back and apologize and listen I showed respect to Derrick and my heart was full of peace again.  I not only learned this, I also learned the lesson that sometimes you just heard them wrong! How would this situation have been resolved if I would have taken a deep , attitude-less breath and said ” this is what I heard you say….is that what you meant to say?” Think of the time and pride that would have been saved with that simple question.

Wives, I hope you don’t think I am saying I have it all together. I hope you see through my honesty that I don’t. I also don’t want you to think that my husband thinks he has it together either. We both know we have a long way to go in loving and respecting each other the way we have been called to. I  just know that far too often we give respect only when it is deserved and if you are like me, you are sometimes doing that without even knowing it. Well, think about this, that is God’s son. He is a child of God. Out of our love for God, let’s show some respect for His son!!

 

 

 

 

Just a note: I know that there are wives who are struggling with deeper issues than what I mentioned here and respecting may look a little different. If you are in a harmful situation or fear for your life, please respect him and yourself by getting help. Step away from the situation and find support.

 

8 comments to He Got What He Deserved!

  • There is a lot of truth and honesty in what you posted. Often times both sides can actually fly off the handle at each other, and later, they need to apologize for their shortcomings. We all fall short, this is true. When we can admit it and apologize, that is when we have grown! You are right, we do need to respect our husbands – and they, too, need to respect us. It happens far too often in marriages, and people don’t want to admit when they are wrong and apologize, which adds to the problems. You realized it and apologized. That speaks volumes!
    Shirley recently posted…We All Deserve Love!My Profile

  • My hubby and I get into “fights” like this a lot. There is usually always a misunderstanding involved. And I always rehash the whole thing in my head and think of other things I could possibly say to him. It’s so hard, but I’ve really been trying to slow down and ask if what he said is what he meant. I’m glad you were able to realize it was a misunderstanding and apologize.
    Great post!
    Tiffany (A Touch of Grace) recently posted…#graceeveryday2014 week 28 & some Nordstrom Anniversary sale findsMy Profile

    • Tiffany, Thank you for reading and for the comment. It is really hard to ask yourself what they really mean! At that moment it doesn’t even come to mind! I think that praying for God to reveal it to me or remind me is the only way it will happen.

  • So much truth to what you shared here.

    I am learning (after many years) that if I seriously need something, I need to clearly ask my husband for it. The more specific, the better. It has made a huge difference.

    The other thing I’ve learned is to never have the attitude of entitlement in the sense of “how dare he”… that’s a slippery slope that often ends up in an argument.

    Most importantly, God can help and heal. So many times God has helped me refocus and not pop a gasket.

    Thanks so much for your honesty, for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop ).

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.
    xoxo
    Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom recently posted…SHINE Blog Hop #9My Profile

  • Marriage is never easy, but if built on mutual respect can be such a blessing in our lives 🙂
    I hear you, I have been there & done that, so to speak…communication is so key!
    Rach D recently posted…~Starting Out (Homeschooling Series Part 2) AND A Giveaway Chance To Win!!!~My Profile

  • What a great post. Thanks for sharing this all-too-familiar story! It is so easy to get into that crazy cycle and lose it. This has been me too many times. I’ve been learning a lot lately that it has nothing to do with whether my husband deserves my respect. I respect him, submit to him and love him because it is what God has called me to do. I am respecting, submitting to, and loving God through the vessel that is my husband. I plan to share your post on my blog’s Facebook page!
    Tiffany recently posted…Thankful Thursday 0617My Profile

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