Help! I Married a Gamer

Help! I married a gamer

 

I still can not believe I am writing about this without throwing something in anger! There is nothing quite as irritating as having a spouse that is obsessed with gaming.

There is the headset that tunes out every word you try to say. Your TV is tied up for hours. You can pretty much forget talking about anything of importance until the game is done and are they ever really done?

As you can guess, I am that woman that married a gamer and since you are reading this, maybe you did too.

I had no idea what this would look like when I said ” I do”. I knew my fiancé enjoyed his xbox games but I did not know how deep that passion was in him.

Countless nights in our marriage I have sat, waiting to spend some time with him only to be disappointed or even worse , left angry because I was ignored.

I hated his games, I hated how he enjoyed them. I hated that he didn’t laugh that hard when he was with me. I despised each little sound of his favorite games and I especially loathed the sound of each button on his xbox controller!

Before we knew it, our marriage was suffering and although the gaming was not the main culprit, it played a huge part.

Believe me, I was no angel in the struggle! I had let the bitterness well up, but in trying to be a “good wife” I did not choose the wisest ways to communicate my frustration.

I would pick at him in front of friends or make fun of him while he played.

While sitting in the living room with the kids (he was playing) I would make sarcastic comments to the kids but directed straight at him.

Some days nagging was all I could do.  I would push and prod and whine to him about why I hated how much time he spent playing.

In the end, he played more and I went to bed alone, angry and crying.

Praise God, we went to counseling! There were other issues that led us there but the gaming came up many times .

I learned more about him.

He understood more of my heart.

Communication started to open up.

While nothing changed over night, God did an amazing work in our hearts…yes, both of our hearts!

I am happy to say, my husband still loves gaming. Yes, I said that right. I am HAPPY to say he loves to game. But, we both have learned how to keep his passion and my frustration under control.

As in any relationship, it takes effort on both of our parts.

So, if you are a wife (or husband) who is about to lose their mind because your spouse won’t put down the controller, let me share some things I have learned over the last 10 years married to a gamaholic!

PRAY

First and foremost, pray about it! Nothing will change permanently without prayer.

Pray for your spouse’s heart. Pray for God to give them wisdom and control with these desires, that they can find fulfillment in their relationship with Christ and that they don’t need to look to this form of entertainment to be content.

Pray for your heart. Pray for understanding toward your spouse’s passion, for wisdom in how you approach them and for gentleness and patience.

 

CONSIDER THEIR PASSION

I had to realize that this was something my husband was passionate about and something he is crazy good at.  He is able to relax this way and he finds energy from his success in gaming.

When I stopped thinking he had completely lost it and started considering why he loved it, I was able to enjoy the happiness he got from each completed mission and ranking.

 

FIND A HOBBY

This may not be an issue with you but I had no hobby when I got married. I began to find what I enjoyed also. I enjoy writing and some nights he is the one kindly asking me to set down to spend time with him. Find something you love to do, too!

 

TALK ABOUT IT

Communicate your feelings…CALMLY.

After counseling and a lot of communication, things have really changed but we still have moments where one of us feels neglected or annoyed. The key is choosing a calm moment, apart from what is frustrating you, to talk about it.

For example, while he is in the middle of a game is not the best time to tell him that I feel he is playing too excessively again. I am steamed, he is distracted and nothing good can come of that. Talk about your feelings but really pick a time when you can both hear the other.

ACCEPT HIM

This may be the hardest one yet but how freeing it is. While we should always strive to be better people and as a wife, help our husbands be the best that they can be, we also have to accept who they are…in this moment.

My sweetheart is a good man who wants to be the best he can be and yet, he is human. As humans we don’t always make the wisest choices with our time, we don’t always consider others feeling ahead of our own…I know this because I too am human.

In order to truly love and keep my vows to my husband, I have to accept him, all of him.

 

I hope this offers some encouragement.

Maybe you are where we were. Maybe you need to seek counseling for something way bigger than just a little fun on a game. Please do that.

Gaming has become something so serious in marriages and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Some games out there can be damaging and the hours spent each day a detriment to your marriage and family.

My husband would play from before dinner until 6 or 7 am the next morning at his weakest point. Sometimes even more. It got bad but God brought us hope and healed what could have ended our love story.

Maybe it is not that big of an issue in your home but you still find yourself angry. Try some of these steps! I still have to remind myself of them from time to time. We never stop learning.

Please let me know if there is any way I can pray for you in this area. I am so thankful for those who were on their knees for me and I would love to hear how I can help you.

 

Much love,

6 comments to Help! I Married a Gamer

  • Cassandra, this is an excellent post. My husband doesn’t game, but I have applied the same things to when he used to watch TV (we have had no TV for years) and now the internet or You Tube can be just the same. I had the same struggles and came to similar solutions. I came to the point that I realized my heart had to change and that I was just as wrong if not more so. I hope lots of ladies will read this because they can apply it if their husband games or anything that their husband does to get under their skin. The Lord is so good because he has taken away my attitude (for the most part ;-)) and that is so freeing. It also tends to improve our marriage.
    Judith recently posted…God’s Glory from Under the Rock {Exodus 33}My Profile

  • Beka

    Thanks for sharing this!

    Men do really love their games and sometimes I just want to nag! We recently did a Bible study on marriage and it talked about a gentle and quiet spirit. I know having that spirit is more effective but I’m not going to lie … I’m just not quiet there yet! Dave plays games, and sometimes I get annoyed, however if I am really annoyed by it he will always be nice and shut it off and not play for a few days.

    • Oh, believe me Beka, I still have many days where the desire to nag is very strong and then other days when I give in. So good that he will shut it off and listen to your frustration. The quiet spirit thing is truly a hard one to learn!

  • As someone above mentioned, my husband is a TV-aholic. I have had to learn to retrain myself to not be nasty when it gets to me, but rather to approach it gently and with kindness. My oldest son is a gamer through and through. I will be surprised if he doesn’t end up working in some field of electronic entertainment. We have had to work with him on diversifying his interests and focusing on the world outside the screen. It truly is a different personality, though. Great article!
    Leanne recently posted…Mom’s Healthy Crockpot ChiliMy Profile

  • This is very interesting as it can go both ways. I am a gamer myself so my future husband may need to come back and read this post. Lol. But you make good points. It is important to talk about these things as we as gamers do get into what we enjoy and don’t realize how it might affect the one that we are with. Everything in moderation.

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