When Everything Falls Apart

 

 

When Everything Falls Apart

You meet the man of your dreams. He is everything you ever hoped for and then some. The wedding march started playing, you were stunning, he looked sharp and there before friends and family you proclaimed your love, your devotion and your commitment to one another for forever. It wasn’t hard. You wouldn’t want to spend forever with anyone else anyway!

That may or may not have been your scenario but I am sure to some extent, you remember your joy on that day vividly with the hopes and dreams of your future in the hands of this man who you now call “husband”.

Though I love my husband dearly, more than  simple words can express, life together has not always been easy.  I soon learned that my young, new husband struggled in areas I was not aware of and I was challenged with pain I never knew I could feel.

“This isn’t what I prayed for God” I would say less than 2 years into our marriage. It started with gaming. Mr. Stone is a very talented gamer. You can ask just about any of his friends online. He’s so good that he plays with top gamers who actually make money in their expertise. Playing a game here or there was no issue with me but I quickly felt like I had to compete with the excitement and adrenelin the game provided him and I could not.

This brought many doubts into my marriage and started many long nights of arguments. “are you going to come to bed?” I would ask and many times I went to bed alone and crying.  What happened? When did I lose his interest? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him?

We both had no idea how to handle it. Gaming was not on the agenda of our premarital counseling and I had never expected a game to make me feel the way I felt. Rejection is the best way I can put it into words. I felt rejected and that led to sarcastic jabs at this man who I recently had committed for better or for worse too.

The imperfections did not stop there. I wish I could say that once we got the gaming thing down our marriage was a bed of roses and all that I had hoped for came to be. Instead, that was just the beginning. The bitterness from the gaming led to my nagging which then led to my husband lying. Lying had been a battle for him for years and I soon began to realize it was overtaking our relationship. Lies about how much he spent on lunch, when he bought new games, when bills were paid….the list grew and grew. Most of the lies were small but they began to add up to a huge weight on my shoulders. I struggled to trust anything he was saying and before long I resented him greatly for this.

By our fourth year together, we were both in such an unhealthy state emotionally. Through many change of events, some of the most dramatic and hurtful in both  our lives, I learned that my husband was in a deep depression. During this time the gaming grew to an all time high and he formed a few more addictions which together we will be sharing in detail about here soon.

There were evenings when I would go to sleep alone and wake up alone. Derrick would play from early evening until 6-7 am. I think even more than that, what hurt the most were the lies that grew deeper and the rift that grew between us. I didn’t know where to turn. I prayed daily for my marriage but I was hurting so deeply. It was at this point I called on God and said “WHY??”

“Why me? Why is this the marriage you gave me?” You see, I had saved myself. Derrick was my first kiss, my first intimate experience, the first one I gave the words “I love you” to. He was it. I was the girl who prayed daily for her future husband. I have a box of letters I had written to my future spouse and  I wore the golden ring of purity around my finger. Marrying the right man was very serious to me and as a young girl I prayed for wisdom as I grew to be able to identify the man God had set aside for my future.

What did I do wrong? Did I marry the wrong one? Did I make a mistake? Was this some kind of punishment?

I can’t help but think Leah felt the same way. I am talking about Leah in the Bible. Remember the young girl who was given to Jacob as a wife? As any young girl, I am sure she had dreams and hopes. Jacob had worked for her father for 7 years in order to pay for his wife…the catch is, it wasn’t Leah he had been working for. It was Rachel, her sister. DUN DUN DUUUNNN…. As was customary back then, they had the wedding feast and then Leah’s father did a tricky thing. When he brought his daughter to Jacob to sleep with and consemate the marriage, he brought Leah, not Rachel. I don’t know how Jacob didn’t know it was Leah. I have heard that they wore veils over their head in those days until after that process and I also wonder if he was drunk from the wine at the feast, never the less, he slept with the wrong girl who now was his wife.

Jacob was furious, as he should have been, but consider Leah. Let’s imagine she did not know Jacob wasn’t working for her. Maybe she had no idea. She may have thought this was the fairy tale she had always dreamed. Maybe she did know of her father’s plan to marry the oldest daughter off first but had hoped her new prince could love her anyway.

Any dreams that Leah had of a beautiful marriage were shattered when Jacob went to her father and demanded the woman he loved…her sister. In Genesis 29:27 we see a commitment between Jacob’s new father in law and himself. He agreed to give Leah the week together as she deserved and then he would be given Rachel who once again he would have to work 7 more years for. Verse 30 says “Jacob lay with Rachel also and he loved Rachel more than Leah. ”

My heart breaks for Leah. Her love story became a complete disaster before it even started and I can’t imagine how alone she must have felt. In one verse, what seems to be several years into their marriage, Leah even gave her sister a very valuable root, that her son had found, in exchange for one night with their husband. She loved him. She desired him to love her. Over and over you find her longing for him to notice her and love her passionately.

While my story is not the same as Leah’s and not quite as dramatic, the pain was real. I mourned the loss of my dreams for my marriage. I grieved the pain of feeling alone and desperate for attention and real intimacy with the man I called my husband.

I know Leah and I are not alone. I see woman daily who are living a life they did not expect. They are asking God, why. Why is this the road you chose for me and is this really where I have to stay? Do not give up. My story did not end there and neither did Leah’s! God is faithful above what we can ask or think. Keep praying, keep loving and make sure to read the rest of the story!! God is faithful.

 

Read part two: His Arms Held Us Together.  The rest of the Story!!

19 comments to When Everything Falls Apart

  • I think a lot of us have had times in our marriage, even long seasons, where we felt like this wasn’t what we signed up for. Lying, addictions, and depression can all help to put a wall up and cause emotional disconnections. I look forward to hearing the rest of the story, and pray for God’s same redemption on your marriage that he’s done for mine.
    God bless!
    Melissa from allforhimblog.com recently posted…Aldi 9/24 Best DealsMy Profile

  • The power of God prevails. The enemy is out to destory marriages. God is our refuge and strength and healer!! Great post!
    Starla J @ Pressing In and Pressing On recently posted…The calm in your storm.My Profile

  • Keep the faith, dear one. Marriage is hard work, and the enemy would like nothing more than to rip every single marriage apart. We have had our share of difficulties in the past 12 years of marriage as well, as I think all marriages do if people are completely honest. It takes two people willing to work it out and work together … and a LOT of prayers. God is able!

    Blessings to you and yours,
    Shirley
    http://www.lightlovehope.com
    Shirley ~Light Love Hope recently posted…Putting On the Spirit: Ten-Minute Devotions for Busy MomsMy Profile

    • Yes He is, Shirley! Thank you so much for the prayers! I am so thankful for where we have come out of and for where we are going. THe road is not easy but we have a faithful God who walks us through it. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

  • Jen

    Oh I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you. I have been married 16 years now and it is hard work. I have a plaque on my wall and it says, Perfect love is perfectly unselfish”. I am working on that still today 16 years later.

    Prayers for you and your family!

    • I LOVE that quote! Thank you for sharing. It couldn’t be more true. It seems that I learn more each day that marriage will never be easy but that is the beauty in it. You are always working at it. I am learning to love that part…most days!!

  • I agree with Shirley. Most marriages have pain. Some admit it. Ohhh the marriages that are hurting because of “gaming”…..more than we know! I’m glad for you both you that God helped you work through it.
    May God continue to bless.
    Vickie McCarty recently posted…Does God have your ATTENTION?My Profile

    • Vickie, You are so right about the gaming. My heart goes out to the wives in this shock. IT was a whole new world to me and it has taken time or both of us to find a balance! Him to learn to enjoy it and not let it control him and me to learn to appreciate it and not despise it. It is far more of a homewrecker than we know though. Not all men are willing to see what it is doing to their lives and women. I see more and more women playing these days too. It becomes another world..a way of escape. I may need to write something on this soon! Lord knows Ive learned a lot about it!! lol

  • This must be so, so incredibly hard to go through. I will say a prayer for you two! What a nightmare gaming can be. I love games, internet, etc but it breaks my heart to see that it can ruin marriages and lives. I’m praying that you have the strength to keep going and keep leaning on God. I’m also praying that God moves in your husbands heart TODAY that he needs to get help for his addiction.

    If I can give my two cents, I think you should seek out marriage blogs and advice in the niche of addictions. It’s a very specific marital issue and that is just what your husband is facing. It’s like drugs or alcohol, it’s just in a more innocuous form.
    Stefanie @ Calledhis.com recently posted…The Light of Day by Kristen Kehoe – Cover Reveal & GiveawayMy Profile

  • Rachel

    Lies,gaming and other addictions that come with extended computer use create emotionally destructive environments. While we must pray and be godly,sometimes boundaries must be laid down to protect ourselves and our children. Unfortunately not every husband seeks healing from God and I pray advice meant for healthy marriages doesn’t turn into women losing their sanity for sinful unrepentant men. Thanks for sharing your story. Am off to read the next part.

    • Rachel, I completely agree with you on the boundaries. I found that I was becoming an enabler at one point and it was hard to accept. I had to set boundaries with gaming and money ect. It was difficult and very much out of my comfort zone. I am considering writing something soon about the wife of a gamer/addict. There is much more that can be said and much pain that many wives still face daily. The devil is using this in lives on deep levels. Thank you for reading and for your comment.

  • Cassandra, thank you so much for such an honest and heart-felt post. Marriage is a lot of work and we all come to it with shortcomings and I think, when God is involved, our match is intentional because God is doing a work in both you and your spouse.

    I’ll pray for your continued growth. I’m looking forward to hearing more about your marriage journey.

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.
    xoxo
    Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom recently posted…{ these moments : September 2014 }My Profile

  • […] I’ve stated in previous posts, my marriage has not always been what it is today and is still a work in progress. We have gone […]

  • Jen

    This is such excellent encouragement! 🙂 It’s so easy to listen to the Enemy’s lies about our stories, to feel shame rather than acknowledge the victory. Thanks for sharing this, Cassandra.
    Jen 🙂
    Jen recently posted…Not By MightMy Profile

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